I was able to be in Los Angeles on Friday to go to FeelGood's CD Release Party at The Mint. It was a phenomenal and also mildly upsetting trip in that it just further drove the point in that I'm not there and I'm missing out on the good stuff. Now, I have to tell myself that that's just not true. If I was still there, my life wouldn't be good and I would be wicked depressed and barely functioning in society... this is just an educated guess, of course.
I must remind myself of when I moved to Europe for a year in college and was just sure that I was seriously going to ruin my social college experience by not being on campus with some people that I kind of got along with. With that said, there was a very select group of people that I was genuinely going to miss experiencing things with, but I knew that they would be there when I got back and would share their great stories with me and listen intently while I recapped mine and then laugh at all of the right moments. They would be good friends and make me feel like I'm actually a decent storyteller. Other than those people, I have no idea what the hell I was so scared I was going to miss out on at the small private university I chose to attend. When I got back from France, nothing had changed there and it was reassuring and comforting, but also a little infuriating that I had to be back there... is this just a type of history repeating itself?
LA isn't going anywhere and the bands that I love and miss hopefully miss and will always love me too. I went to France to learn a little bit about myself and become okay with that person. I am essentially doing the same now.
My brother gave me a journal right before I left for France in 2001. Inside he inscribed a few words of wisdom that I'm going to put down for you. As I read this now, I realize that it applies to much more than my trip nine years ago:
"Jenni,
I know and understand your mixture of feelings all too well and hope that you can find comfort in my words of wisdom.
1) You will not be missing anything while you are away. ANYTHING!
2) Phone calls home are expensive and stamps will become your friends. Others, however will not understand how important receiving letters will be. To encourage them to write back early and often.
3) An American identity is both a blessing and a curse as we are loved and hated. When you feel blessed, enjoy yourself. When you feel uneasy, go somewhere to feel blessed. Sounds simple I know, but it's true.
4) The harder you try to understand what is around you the less you will. Just observe and enjoy, the remainder is absorbed.
The little wisdom I still hold cannot be put into words, yet you will be equally as wise when you return and see this culture and country in a new, enlightened frame of mind."
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