Nostalgia

I'm going through all of the mail that Smash and I got at Haver Hill and Venice that we didn't open (mostly bills or what looks like bills). I'll occasionally come by something that makes me so incredibly nostalgic for those months. All of our stories that I wish I would have written down... which makes me think that I should be much better about writing all of my current stories down now. I guess that's what this blog is supposed to be for. I'm kind of trying to look at it as a way to keep my journal entries somewhere where they'll never be lost even though I've never lost one of my journals (knock on wood).

I miss Smash. I miss Venice Beach. I miss Billish and Rando and Kate. I miss the beach. I miss the air. I miss the laughter... I miss Smash.

I have faith that I'll at least have a conversation with her at some point down the road. She's gotta do what she needs to in order to get through it.

Oh, what an interesting life I lead!

Caving In To Impulses

So, I've already faltered on my new get and stay in shape better than I have been. I wanted to start getting up early and making it to the 7:30am CrossFit class so then the rest of my day would be mine and I wouldn't have to worry about not eating 3 hours before class. I got up yesterday and made it to the gym by 7:30, but the door was locked and our trainer was nowhere to be found. One of the other ladies had his cell phone number, so she called him and ended up waking him up. We waited almost 30 minutes outside in the cold. Now, that is not my main concern/complaint about the early morning class. There were only three of us yesterday and it was all girls. I got a good workout, but felt that my body was responding very slowly and I didn't really feel driven to do any better because of the lack of competition. I like having guys in the classes simply because it motivates me to kick ass harder. Has nothing to do with finding any of them cute, which I do, because I'm not looking to date any of them. I'll barely talk to them let alone make eye contact because I don't want to screw up how comfortable I feel when I'm there. I've shat where I've slept before and I won't let that interfere with my life again.
So, 7am rolls around this morning and I just didn't want to get up and I'm pretty bad about letting myself do whatever I want when I want to when it comes to my impulses. I try to look at it as a positive thing because I'm ultimately living authentically, but it has been known to be detrimental to my life, health and relationships. What am I doing about my CrossFit time crunch? I'm hitting the noon o'clock class and kicking myself for caving in to the blueberry scone at Charbuck's an hour ago.

Big Brother's Words of Wisdom

I was able to be in Los Angeles on Friday to go to FeelGood's CD Release Party at The Mint. It was a phenomenal and also mildly upsetting trip in that it just further drove the point in that I'm not there and I'm missing out on the good stuff. Now, I have to tell myself that that's just not true. If I was still there, my life wouldn't be good and I would be wicked depressed and barely functioning in society... this is just an educated guess, of course.
I must remind myself of when I moved to Europe for a year in college and was just sure that I was seriously going to ruin my social college experience by not being on campus with some people that I kind of got along with. With that said, there was a very select group of people that I was genuinely going to miss experiencing things with, but I knew that they would be there when I got back and would share their great stories with me and listen intently while I recapped mine and then laugh at all of the right moments. They would be good friends and make me feel like I'm actually a decent storyteller. Other than those people, I have no idea what the hell I was so scared I was going to miss out on at the small private university I chose to attend. When I got back from France, nothing had changed there and it was reassuring and comforting, but also a little infuriating that I had to be back there... is this just a type of history repeating itself?
LA isn't going anywhere and the bands that I love and miss hopefully miss and will always love me too. I went to France to learn a little bit about myself and become okay with that person. I am essentially doing the same now.

My brother gave me a journal right before I left for France in 2001. Inside he inscribed a few words of wisdom that I'm going to put down for you. As I read this now, I realize that it applies to much more than my trip nine years ago:

"Jenni,
I know and understand your mixture of feelings all too well and hope that you can find comfort in my words of wisdom.
1) You will not be missing anything while you are away. ANYTHING!
2) Phone calls home are expensive and stamps will become your friends. Others, however will not understand how important receiving letters will be. To encourage them to write back early and often.
3) An American identity is both a blessing and a curse as we are loved and hated. When you feel blessed, enjoy yourself. When you feel uneasy, go somewhere to feel blessed. Sounds simple I know, but it's true.
4) The harder you try to understand what is around you the less you will. Just observe and enjoy, the remainder is absorbed.
The little wisdom I still hold cannot be put into words, yet you will be equally as wise when you return and see this culture and country in a new, enlightened frame of mind."

Observe Without Judgement

Something occurred to me today. One of the things I would like to improve upon is my tendency to care/worry about what other people think of me. The main problem is that I'm so hard on myself that who really gives a shit about what anyone else thinks? I judge myself probably before anyone else can. I recently finished a book called Mutant Message From Forever (the follow up to Mutant Message From Down Under, a phenomenal book) and felt a little let down. I didn't walk away with the sense of empowerment and motivation like I did with the first book. I understood the message, but it didn't really resonate with me until tonight. I have been trying hard to not judge anyone in the hopes that it will help rub off on me. My goal has been to observe without judgement... just observe. Not everything will look like you want it to look like, so roll with it. If this has been my goal for the last few weeks, why did it not even occur to me to apply it to my life.
Therefore, I vow right here and right now to observe myself without judgement. I will stop making up that that I am in some way wrong/out of place. I am where I'm supposed to be. I believe that because I trust that I'm living my life authentically and will continue to be blessed.

2010: I may be a month late, but I'm coming to get you.

Too Easily Pissed Off

I went to a late breakfast with my favorite non-couple today and listened to all of their relationship problems. They literally sat in front of me and listed every single reason as to why they are screwed up as a couple. Then I watched them flirt/instigate a range of emotions from each other and I finally had to just say out loud, "Okay, you guys are starting to piss me off." Now, my tolerance level is usually a little higher for ridiculous non-couples, but I am currently in the throes/hell of liking a guy and being kinda pissed about it.

Happy Now Here!

It's the new year and I'm very hopeful that it will be infinitely better than last year. Don't get me wrong, I will forever appreciate all that 2009 was simply because it was a learning experience in so many different areas in my life. But was glad to see it go. We had a blue moon this year on New Year's Eve and it only happens once every 20 years. My fabulous friend Darlene sent me an exercise to help me put down all of the things that I want to draw to myself in the next two years as well as what I will let go of because it doesn't serve a positive role in my life anymore. I have nothing but positive expectations for this year. I feel love, health, success and stability coming my way... and although I've always been trepidatious about anything that I feel might confine me, I'm doing my best to welcome all of the wonderful things that I deserve without sabatoge.